Follow Your Values, Not Your Passions
My wife loves Dax Shepardâs podcast âArmchair Expertâ. Recently, she listened to an episode where Dax interviews Adam Grantâa psychologist, author, and professor who specializes in organizational psychologyâand recommended I listen to it.
Iâve actually listened to a few Armchair Expert podcasts in the past and, while I usually enjoy them, they are really long. Sometimes over two hours! Who has time for that? This is actually my one beef with podcasts: I feel like everyone is always talking about all these podcasts they listen to and I just think to myself, âwhere do you find the time?!?â I suppose people must listen to them as background noise to lifeâs daily tasks, but generally if I listen to a podcast I have to give it my undivided attention or I just donât get anything out of it. But I digress. This isnât a post where I talk about trying to âkeep up with the Jonesesâ of podcasting. What I want to say is: the episode is long. Over 2 hours. I did find time to listen to the whole thing (over the course of probably two weeks) and I really liked Adamâs insights. I wanted to make note of a couple of them as an attempt to remember and solidify the concepts in my brain.
At one point in the podcast, they begin discussing points around the age-old debate of ânature vs. nurtureâ, i.e. are you born the way you are, or does your environment shape you? Adam makes the point that you donât get to choose your inherent personality or traits, but you do get to choose your values. And sometimes you have to disown âwho you areâ in order to serve your values.
To illustrate his point, Adam talks about how believes himself to be an introverted person. The last thing he wants to do is get up in front of a class of students and give a lecture. He tells a story of how, when he was beginning as a teacher, he passed out a survey to get feedback on his teaching and one of the overwhelming responses he got from his students was that he was too nervous and awkward during his lectures. He was so nervous, the students said he was making them nervous! So giving lectures is something heâs had to work on. His point, I believe, is that the advice âfollow your passionsâ would have deterred him from doing anything that made him uncomfortable or revolted his interestsâlike lecturing a room full of people. However, his values are about connecting with people through the sharing of knowledge, so he has realized that doing the thing which made him uncomfortable was really just a subservient tool to doing the thing he really valued.
[Adam ~17:00] I didn't choose my personality. So, whether it's the dopamine response in my neocortex that makes me an introvert or some other constellation of factors, that wasn't up to me. But I did choose my values and I feel like sometimes I have to be false to my personality in order to be true to my values. I love sharing knowledge. Iâm really passionate about connecting with students and trying to help them the way my teachers did me, and so [teaching to a room full of students] just feels like it has become second nature.
The idea of doing something that makes you uncomfortable in order to serve some larger purpose that fits your values resonated with me. This sounds a lot like the idea of âthe reluctant leaderâ. Have you ever found yourself in such a position? For example, I donât always relish the idea of âbeing a leaderâ. But sometimes Iâm working on something and, damnit, itâs gotta be good! So Iâm going to step into the role of leading because I care about the quality of the thing and I want the people Iâm working with to realize that I care about it and that Iâm going to make sure it gets delivered at a certain standard.
Adam, Dax, and Monica (another host on the show) talk about this idea more in depth later in the podcast:
[Dax ~1:25:00]: What do you think about this...[when I have to manage people] I feel like Iâll give [them] a lot of rope, because I want a lot of autonomy and ownership over what Iâm doing. So Iâm trying to give other people that same autonomy and ownership, which means Iâm not really a task-master. And I get fucking pissed when they force me to be one. Actually, it makes me angry at them like âDamnit, now youâre gonna make me be the person I don't want to be!â Which, is probably codependence at some level, like itâs important to me that they like me, but now youâve forced me to do something that I [hate].
[Monica]: I think that's your discomfort with sometimes having to go into a boss mode. I donât think you like doing that, but sometimes you have to: youâre the boss! So there is a little bit of âshouldnât you guys just figure this out without me? Cause I donât want to be the person that has to come step inâ but sometimes you have to when youâre the boss man!
[Adam]: When these kinds of situations crop up, I think part of the problem is...youâre too focused on your own preference. My job as a leader is to do whatever is going to get the job done effectively. So Iâve got to be a little bit flexible and adaptable and sometimes, in order to be effective, I have to let go of my identity or my values or my preferred way of working...I will be the more demanding boss because I care about the quality of the work. I think if a lot of bosses would realize that up front, it would bother them less [that they have to âchange who they areâ to be a boss]...[Danielle Tussing] did her dissertation on this idea of the reluctance to lead. One of the things she found is that reluctant leaders were often the most effective leaders. Think about it: do you want to be managed by someone who wants to have power over other people? No! You want to be managed by the person who has no interest whatsoever in that role. I think in some ways that makes people more effective managers because they say âIâm not in this because I want to be in charge. Iâm in this because I have a skillset or Iâm able to get people to follow me and we can produce something really great together.â
I think the biggest takeaway from this is that anyone can be a great âleaderâ if the circumstances call on their particular strengths within a certain dynamic. And you donât necessarily have to think of it as being a âleaderâ. But even if it feels exactly like âbeing a leaderâ and you feel uncomfortable with that, you donât have to. Another way to look at is to say, âok, this isnât about me. These people Iâm with need something, and Iâm the most fit to give it to them. And while me doing that looks like being a leaderâwhich makes me really uncomfortableâIâm going to do it anyway because âbeing a leaderâ here is not a mantle. Itâs a tool. A tool that will help me accomplish what I deem as valuable.â
Sometimes it feels like we are our desires. If we donât fulfill them, we wonât truly be ourselves. While I believe âbeing true to yourselfâ is vitally important, I like Adamâs additional insight which states you can be more than just your desires and passions. You get to choose what you deem valuable and act accordingly.
This phrase from Adam keeps ringing in my head: âsometimes I have to be false to my personality in order to be true to my values.â
Tangentially related:
What about job titles? Am I a designer? Or a developer? Or a manager? Feels like I have to pick one, but if I like to be all of them, maybe I never feel like Iâm truly ever just one! âWell, I donât âdesignâ enough to be a designer like people who do that full-time, and I donât âdevelopâ enough to be a âdeveloperâ like people who do that full-time, so I guess Iâm neither!â Welcome to the monologue in my brain.
In the light of Adamâs comments, perhaps I need to let go of trying to concoct an identity. Maybe Iâm too focused on myself. âDesignerâ or âDeveloperâ or âManagerâ often feels like an identityâan identity my passions propelled me into. But âDesignerâ or âDeveloperâ or âManagerâ are not values. Theyâre hats you wear. âQualityâ, âCoherenceâ, âConsistencyâ, those are values. So you can wear different hatsâDesigner, Developer, Managerânot as a representation of your identity but rather to exercise your values. âI am going to design in this situation because I value design and itâs lacking.â Or, âI am going to lead in this situation because leadership is lacking and I value how it turns out.â Values inform identity just as much as passions can.